I’ve always been an optimist at heart. But recently, I lost my Mum and my world came crashing down around me. My Mum and I were exceptionally close. As a single mother (her) and only child (me), we had a special bond that I would love to be able to replicate with my own daughter. But as a married woman with my second baby on the way, I know that just isn’t a possibility. And I’m okay with that, because I know my children will have the love of a father, which I didn’t have for most of my life (my dad passed away when I was nine) and they will learn to share their parents with a sibling, which I also never had to do.
It was always just me and Mum. Mum and me. I never minded being an only child, and Mum didn’t seem to mind being on her own. In fact, I think we both secretly didn’t want anyone else to come along for fear that it would break us apart.
When I got married in 2014, she was the one to walk me down the aisle, and in my mind, my wedding day was as much for me and my husband as it was for her. We had both learned how to open our hearts to let someone else in.
When my daughter was born in 2016, it was important to me that my Mum was at the birth. I needed her calm, nurturing, motherly spirit while I rocked through my contractions and struggled for the last hour to push my baby out. When Allie was born, our hearts expanded even further and my Mum embraced her Granny role with everything she had.
It doesn’t make sense that her life was cut short. It doesn’t make sense that she doesn’t get to watch my daughter grow up, or meet this new little baby in March of next year.
The only way I can explain it to myself is that some people’s parents are lucky enough to live long lives, but maybe they don’t ever have the type of relationship that Mum and I had. I know lots of people have wonderful, close relationships with their parents who live long, fulfilling lives, but without this particular dynamic, it can never really be the same.
So I guess this is my way of healing. I don’t know how it will evolve, or even what I want from it. Perhaps this is my way of figuring out what I want out of life. I was worried that losing Mum would shatter my spirit. But her love was as strong as steel and I still feel her positivity energy around me. My heart, though still quite broken, is strong and optimistic. And I know, despite everything, that I will be okay.
Stay tuned as I figure out what to do next!